I remember the first time I saw him, cute and... bashful/unsure/weird in a way I hadn't seen in years. That's what really did it - the uncertainty of him and that whole stupid undercover op. Was he the killer? Was he just a really bad date despite the face and body that most men would kill for? I don't know.

All I know is that until that moment when I looked up and really saw the demon looking back at me in that warehouse, I was... was... I don't know. I still don't know. Didn't know then, don't know now - although for almost a year now I've hated his guts. Why? Why not? He's a demon. One of the kind that killed my father.

Even if my father deserved to die. Hate him. He betrayed me. Why can't I get his face out of my head? His face. His face. Either of them. They both took everything I believed and wanted and hoped for and spat it back at me. Hate them.

I look like shit.

My neck hurts. I never thought he'd do it. Not even earlier when he shoved me against the wall in Darla's place. Not him. Thought he could, thought he shou... I hate him.

My hair, my hair... why was that Ponce guy so weirded out over my hair? I haven't changed my hairdo since... I don't remember. My hair. What was it about my hair?

Darla. Shit. I look like Darla. Where's the picture? Paper, paper... picture. Darla. No last name. Angel knows her. Loves her? From what he didn't say, but said with his eyes, he... Do I remind him of Darla? Shit. Gotta cut my hair. Dad was always after me to cut my....

My father just laid there on the floor of his apartment while Angel spouted off excuses until he finally left. Damn money, money... he did it for the money. Went against everything he ever taught me, yelled at me, ignored me... He ignored me and then he took money. Bastard. I knew about the demons and I didn't tell him. Thought I could protect him. Went to Angel with those names, thought he could protect... Angel couldn't even get through the damn door.

And then I didn't die. Killed the demon who killed him, but I didn't die. Angel saved me. Killed the demons and left me. Hate him. Hate them all. They don't know what it's like to be human. They don't know how it hurts so much you want to take the world down piece by piece by bloody, demon-infested piece!

My neck hurts.

Why did he save me? I hate him so much, and then he finally attacked and... I was going to be right. An evil, evil thing. He's supposed to be an evil, evil thing. But I'm still alive. I feel like shit, but I'm alive. Does this mean I'm supposed to owe him? Forget about him? Forget about him standing in the fucking doorway while a vampire killed my father? He was supposed to be on my side. I actually liked him. Thought he did good. Thought he could be....

He almost killed me. Saved me from the demons again. They would have killed me. No backup. Can't have backup when you're going after demons. They'll just get killed. Killed. Why aren't I dead? I keep on going after them but I'm still not dead.

Hate them. Hate him. Have to.

I hate him so much.

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